starting out with nothing

the new nine inch nails album, year zero, is scheduled to hit stores on april 17. big surprise: this means more touring. since 2 years straight didn't cut it in '05/'06, they have to make sure that they literally visit every single city on the face of the earth. multiple times (check out the 4 shows in a row in london that started last night). yeah, dudes. bunch of wankers in the uk really want to hear a middle aged dude hopped up on 'roids singing "i wanna fuck you like an animal" for FOUR NIGHTS IN A ROW. hot. with all the "leaks" that are going off at each and every show, by the time the time the new album is set to release, no one is going to bother even buying it since they got that shit months ago. i'm sure trent has grandiose plans for this whole ninspiracy web that will entice all those 17 year old obsessive fan boys with boners for conspiracy theories and x-files fan fic sites into buying more records, but the rest of the world (see also: 35 year old jocks) just want another "head like a hole" track they can listen to really loudly when they are "angry" and "workin' on their truckz."

help bring tits back. start using it by casually putting it into your every day conversations. like when you find out the jesus and mary chain are reuiniting to work on recording their new studio album in nearly a decade and playing coachella to boot. or when you find out that the scummy drummer from that local band really didn't have herpes after all, and that really is just razor burn. or you can edit funny shit on popular wikipedia pages just because you think it's funny. tits, dude.

speeeeeeaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkinnnnnnnngggggggg of which... tits totally describes the starlite desperation. playing on 03.04 at cafe du nord in san francisco, their shit went off. those dudes know how to put on a show. it's a refreshing change to see a band that isn't afraid to tear up the stage on a sunday night. starlite desperation drummer jeff ehrenberg brought some powerful backing to the skins, friendily competing for the audience's attenion with lead singer and guitarist dante adrian. how often do you see chemistry like that? you know it's good when the drummer can tear your eyes away from the lead singer and white hot bass player (hethur suval) for more than 10 seconds. towards the end, dante floored the audience by dropping on all fours and screeching loudly into his guitar to create a hendrix-like feedback effect during one of the songs. bottom line: go see 'em next time they're playing, on march 31 at the troubadour in los angeles. and add them to your myspace, put 'em on your top 8 and blog about it or post bulletins or whatever the fuck it is you do when you find out about cool stuff and want to tell all your friends. seriously. DO IT!!! these guys deserve more buzz.

army of anyone's new single has literally failed to impress anyone. why? because they SUCK. no one wants to hear your whiny voice sing more power-pop 90s alt-rock ballads, richard. and doesn't matter how many salads you eat, if you keep chowing on all the sausage, your waistline is gonna go.

speaking of bands no one cares about, linkin park has begun working on a new album. and it's not even a hybrid monster love child of jay-z and chester bennington meshing such hits as i'm really mad, but not mad enough to curse because that would mean i'd lose my pre-teen fanbase record sales and i'm gonna retire and then make a comeback every other year to boost my sales. they've taken a new direction by hiring everyone's favourite vegan producer, rick rubin. under his advice they have dropped the rap-rock bull. wait, you mean they're dropping everything they've based their entire careers on to "break out of the box?" sorry dudes, you can't break out of your boxes unless you get sex changes. no matter what, you'll still be pussies. i'd tell you more but i really just don't give a shit.

ashlee simpson may not have stolen your boyfriend, but jeffree star, androgenous cross-dressing kink-tranny pin-up for today's emo-rave youth culture sure fucking did. he/she/it called lindsay lohan a cunt at the peaches show at the avalon on 12.13.06. yeah, i realize that was a little while ago, but whether or not that was a compliment or a burn still remains to be seen. what doesn't need any more clarification are the fucking whiny little bitches i saw running in and out of the bathroom every 10 minutes, totally tripping because "OHMIGOD LINDSAY LOHAN IS HERE. I CAN'T MEET HER LOOKING LIKE THIS." don't worry about it, she's probably so cracked out that she thought she was at her AA meeting. good for her. 12 steps... to the bar, baby!

and while i'm at it... someone tell the band whitey that it's okay to move around more than six inches during your set. "your own personal bubble" doesn't apply to the rules of rock 'n roll, dudes. if you're going to dress like pete doherety, at least don't fully rip the dude by completely destroying all his beliefs in hedonism by being stage pussies.

finally, stalk your boyfriend/girlfriend/fuck buddy by tracing his/her/its cell number using gps tracking. totally free and anonymous. word has it they're with your mom. click here.